5 And it came to pass that I was overcome because of my afflictions, for I considered that mine afflictions were great above all, becauseof my people, for I had beheld their fall.
6 And it came to pass that after I had received strength...
I couldn't help but think of the time (a few weeks ago) I told Robby about the process and struggle I had just about deciding whether or not I should serve a mission. I told Robby how I compared myself to all the girls around me. Why was it that they could receive revelation for something so important and I couldn't? I went back and forth for 11 months, I prayed and fasted multiple times but the answer never seemed clear. I questioned my testimony as I compared myself, I felt so distant from God when now as I look back I can see how much closer it brought me to Him. It brought me to meeting Robby and that itself is a blessing I could never give enough thanks for. Robby said how at that same time (about a year ago) when he was on his mission he had an extremely similar experience. He said he felt unworthy as a servant of God, and felt maybe he would have to be sent home (which was the worst thing he said he could've imagine). This scripture reminds me of this experience because it shows how even Nephi was discouraged by his afflictions, a prophet of God who has been doing everything in his power to do good and be obedient was discouraged. As we draw closer to God we realize how weak we are without Him, we feel the guilt and pain of our sins and this is a step in the process of drawing closer to Him. Robby reminded me of that as we talked that night. My perspective and heart changed as we talked because I've never been able to articulate exactly how I felt during that process but with Robby right by my side (over FaceTime I mean..) it was effortless. I couldn't help but want to capture that special sacred moment, it was so important to me that Robby knew how I felt. And he instantly understood and even helped to remind my heart of that change and perspective I had gained from that experience. The guilt and pain and weakness were all very much apart of that 11 month journey to see if serving a mission was really what God wanted me to do. Robby has told me multiple times how much he respects me for making that a decision that I prayed and pondered so fervently about. He reminded me that plenty of those who choose to serve are not always ready, and that merely serving a mission is not what brings about spiritual growth. He shared how we learned the same things and grew in a similar spiritual way, even though he was in Taiwan and I was here in school. The Spirit bore witness to me as he and I talked about our afflictions and how it brought us to the exact point we are at today. As I spoke I could feel a literal change in my heart. I felt a deep impression, like what music often does but only it felt like it had sunk deeper in, which is huge for me. I often feel the Spirit through hymns, and uplifting things like the Lamb of God (currently I listen to at least one of these songs everyday, and end up crying because music touches my heart so strongly and powerfully, it awakens my soul and makes my spirit want to sing, I can't think of any other way to say it) and other EFY music. God is so loving and gracious, I feel overwhelmed with His love as I write this. I am grateful for my Savior. I know He is the way, truth, the light, the resurrection and is the only way I can live with my Heavenly Father and family forever.
I feel blessed to have this gospel and the opportunity to share it. I am grateful to be called to Feed His lambs and His sheep (John 21: 15-17) A calling I believe we are all given, to help strengthen and lift each other. I am so grateful that I have been called to be a member missionary. That I have been called to help the sisters in my singles ward. That I have been called to stay here and prepare for a temple marriage, to study hard in school and draw closer to my Savior in ways that are only slightly different than that of my friends who are serving as full-time missions. I love my Savior and His gospel with all my heart, and that love grows deeper each day. I feel His presence and influence and blessing surround me and I am forever grateful.
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| Random "old" picture (back from December) at our ward Christmas party |
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