This week has been a hard one, actually the last few weeks have seemed a bit harder. Work has been busy, and I have often felt lonely on my days off. I am missing Robby and my family. I have found myself constantly comparing and feeling anxious about everything. I have been trying to take steps in a better direction...I started running again and I set a goal to pull myself away from social media and to try to spend more time reading my scriptures/ listening to conference talks. It is helping so much, but even still tonight I found myself breaking down yet again (happened the last few nights). I am finding so much strength through what I am reading and listening too, but I am forgetting it all too soon. I want to write about my experiences so that I can remember them more often. I'll start with tonight...so Robby and I went over to his parents to help get their backyard ready. They were laying sod and rocks today at their new home in St George (I don't know if I mentioned that they moved here in August 2016). So while we were helping I had a moment to be upstairs and chat with Whitley and Mindy. I didn't mean to crash their girl talk but I wanted to feel included. Whitley had some amazing insight for Mindy and her current relationship, I listened and tried to chip in where I could but I feel a lot less helpful since I really have only had one serious relationship... Robby :) I admire Whitley and her way of asking questions that helped Mindy think and talk through things she is struggling with. I find myself doing this a lot though as I am not one to chime in with a lot of insightful questions/comments, which is absolutely fine. It is a quality I want so badly to develop, I would love to be more articulate and confident. Well fast forward to tonight, I started dwelling on those bad feelings I had about myself. I have been questioning myself so easily and struggling to feel God's love for me. Earlier today I was reading an article on lds.org about allowing ourselves to feel worthy enough to talk to God. Allowing ourselves to not allow shame to take over and instantly I knew that I have been doing just that. I prayed that I would feel better, that I would not allow shame and guilt to keep me from feeling closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father. But I was still feeling these awful things, thinking about how horrible I felt only made it worse and so I broke down. Robby consoled me and gave me some great advice. He asked me to read Moroni 10: 3-5, and when I opened my scriptures I glanced at where I was at in the Book of Mormon. I started reading Enos chapter 1 and these words flew right off the page
4 And my soul hungered, and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in might prayers and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long I did cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.
5 And there came a voice unto me saying: Enos thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed.
6 And I Enos, knew that God could not lie, wherefore, my guilt was swept away.
That was exactly what I was doing. I cried as I read those words, these verses were talking about me. God knows every struggle that I am currently facing, and my guilt can be swept away too. I also love that in this part of the scriptures Enos talks about how he cried for his own soul, and then after his sins are forgiven he begins to cry for his brethren. I had been feeling bad recently about how often I pray for myself and my struggles. How often I ask Heavenly Father for help for me before I ask for help for others. This verse helped sweep away my guilt with that too. I went on to read this
15 Wherefore, I knowing that the Lord God was able to preserve our records I cried unto him continually for he had said unto me: Whatsoever thing ye shall ask in faith, believing that ye shall receive in the name of Christ, ye shall receive it.
17 And I, Enos, knew it would be according to the covenant which he had made; wherefore my soul did rest.
I went on to read Moroni 10:3-5 which restates that whatever we ask of God, with real intent, having faith in Christ that we shall receive, it will be revealed to us by the power of the Holy Ghost. I am blown away time and time again at how Heavenly Father speaks to me through His scriptures. At how perfectly He knows me and every concern and struggle that I have. How he knew that I would need those powerful, beautiful words tonight. His hand is in the tiniest and largest details of my life, and I am so grateful He showed me that. I am grateful for Robby's insight as well because what I was going to read tonight sunk so much more deeply in my heart. The message I needed was shown to me in two entirely different chapters, yet the words were practically the same.
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