Oakley Ellen Bowler & Christmas 2016

I have neglected my journal for much too long. I came across this post that I had started writing months ago. I want to post this and update it as best as I can,  I see where I can fill in. Here is what I had started:

This was such a special Christmas. We found out Brent and Whitley's sweet baby girl was not doing very well. She was measuring small and her heart was slightly enlarged. Brent and Whitley had a super long appointment with a specialist to see if it was spina bifida, and the appointment ended up leaving them super confused and unsure of if the baby would be ok. They ran a ton of tests and basically sent them off to wait for the results. We tried to keep our hopes up but knew something could be seriously wrong and Oakley might not survive. Brent and Whitley let Shannon and Paige and I come to her next ultrasound. Oakley had ascites and fluid on her brain, her umbilical cord had back flow and her heart rate had slowed down. It was heartbreaking to see their sweet tiny baby struggling. That was so hard. It was the first time I had ever been to an ultrasound, and to hear the ultrasound tech and then the doctor talk about how Oakley was probably not going to live much longer was a painful realization. We held it together pretty well during the appointment, and then once Mom, Paige and I got in the car we all lost it. What a miracle it was though to be able to see her that day, as the very next day her heart stopped beating. She was a perfect little angel, and came with a purpose to gain a body and to help Brent and Whitley discover her diagnosis. Brent said it so perfectly in a Facebook post he said

 "Oakley Ellen Bowler born at 22 weeks on Dec 29th at 4:27 pm. Earlier this week Whitley was diagnosed with antiphospholipid syndrome where her immune system attacks the proteins responsible for blood clotting. Our baby girl was the bravest one to come and help us find this diagnosis so her brothers and sisters could come to this earth safely. Our Oakley accomplished her job on this earth and has been called back to help our Heavenly Father in His work. We love and miss you baby Oakley."

9/14/17
I will do my best to finish the details of my original post.
A few days before Christmas the Bowler girls all went to go see the Celtic women. It was a beautiful concert. The Celtic women have such a clear tone and their accents were gorgeous. We cried through a few songs and Whitley mentioned how much Oakley kicked throughout the show, she has got great taste in music :) It was so hard not knowing what would happen with sweet baby Oakley at that time, but we had been praying and fasting for comfort in the Lord's will. We found out soon after at the ultrasound that the Lord's will meant losing sweet Oakley. The timing of it all was a tender mercy as we got to be in each others company and be there for Brent and Whitley. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was so memorable and precious. We went roller skating on Christmas Eve at this indoor rink in Veyo (a little town outside of St. George). We had a blast and brought music so we could dance and skate to all of our favorites! Shannon invited the families of the women in her relief society presidency, the more the merrier right? It was so much fun. Christmas Eve we did the traditional Jerusalem dinner, and we poured our hearts out about how much we've learned and grown through the Savior's grace. I remember looking at Brent and Whitley with so much admiration and just being so in awe of their strength. Robby mentioned how grateful he was that Brent and Whitley have set such a great example for us as parents and how special Oakley is to us. After dinner Brent and Whitley had us open one present from them, they were all packed in these different shaped boxes. We did a"white elephant" type exchange, and once we all had chosen or stolen one we opened them all at once. They were Nerf guns! We had a really fun battle between the boys and girls.

Christmas morning is always so magical. We opened presents and it was so fun to see everyone's reactions and gifts. Brent & Whitley got me a shirt that says "Keep Calm I'm (Almost) a Nurse" I love it! It was the perfect gift, and was so fun to wear to school :) It was good motivation to keep me ready to erase the "almost" part! Paige {and Nathan :) } gave me a shirt with DJ, Stephanie and Michelle Tanner from Full House! I about lost it...it is so perfect!! :) Everyone had really thoughtful ideas, some were funny like Brent's black Santa and "I heart Mindy" hat he got from Mindy of course! Paige gave Mindy a shirt that she made with the TV show "Arthur" logo on it. One of our favorite gifts of all was that Mom and Dad had all of their home videos put onto DVD's! We were all so excited! We relived some hilarious and adorable Bowler memories, including a perfect moment of Robby when he says "Oh dang..." after he and Brent opened a similar toy on Christmas morning. 

Christmas fell on a Sunday last year which meant we got to go to church all together at Mom and Dad's ward. It was a beautiful meeting with precious music sung. I love it when we get to sit back and enjoy the Spirit through powerful music. My favorite was a little boy who sang a song called "Can I Hold the Baby". He was so calm, and had the sweetest and most innocent voice. After church we got back in our Christmas jammies, watched more home videos and Christmas movies, and then decorated gingerbread houses. It was the perfect ending to our day.

Robby has a tradition of writing a ridiculously long pet name for me on my Christmas present :) 

Mini walkie-talkies for Robby!

December 28th, 2016 Whitley and Brent graciously invited us to come to see Oakley's ultrasound appointment. It was heart-breaking as we watched the tech show us the fluid in her tiny abdomen. It was so strange to see because I had been learning about ascites and heart failure, but not in such a tiny baby. It was difficult to watch Oakley struggle. Brent and Whitley stayed so strong as we talked to Dr. Chalmers about how Oakley would probably pass away in the next few days. Our prayers changed so quickly from asking for a miracle that Oakley would be able to live, to hoping she would pass so that she would no longer have to struggle. 

Oakley passed away December 29th, and Whitley went in to the hospital that day to be induced to give birth to her. Again God had his hand in the timing of everything so that Paige and Nathan could still be here and we could all be together to mourn with Brent and Whitley. Whitley & Brent were so selfless and gracious, Whitley allowed us girls to come be there in the hospital room with her and her mom and sister. Whitley invited me to be there to witness the birth, but it happened much faster than expected. When we got to the hospital Brent and Whitley were spending a moment alone with Oakley. When we walked in the room it was instantly such a sacred place. We could feel Oakley and our ancestors close. Brent and Whitley invited us to hold her and Whitley's sister captured some pictures (I don't have any of those images, but the ones that I do have I will share). Oakley was born inside her amniotic sac, she was so tiny and fragile. Her skin was soft and her lips were a deep red. She was absolutely precious and pure joy. Her tiny features were so beautiful. I will forever remember her, and her tiny fingers and toes. Shannon captured this image of her feet, and we all treasure it! We got to spend a few hours being together and taking turns holding Oakley. Whitley and Brent were so kind to share her with all of us. Her little arms were folded across her chest and she looked so peaceful. It was such a sacred experience that I never want to forget. 

I am so grateful that Oakley is a part of our family. I have been missing her and thinking about her often recently. And some very big news that I have yet to share on here is that Brent and Whitley are expecting a baby boy this December! He is sure a lucky boy to have a guardian angel and perfect sister like Oakley. 

Whitley is now 26 weeks along and she and baby boy (they call him Cash) are doing so good. Just this past weekend at our Bowler Family Reunion we were talking to Brent and Whitley about how hard it has been for them to feel emotionally ready for baby boy. Whitley was saying how she and Brent have stayed detached so as to avoid going through the heartache all over again. They were saying how this past ultrasound really began to change things. Baby Cash is starting to get some chub on his cheeks, he is looking so healthy and cute! I think that is what changed for them was seeing how much different and bigger he looks than Oakley. She was so tiny and Cash is now 4 weeks older than she was when she was born. We are planning a baby shower next month and reality is starting to hit that another baby will be joining this family for Christmas. We are so excited :)