{March 3rd, 2016} Back in September I found out I made it into the nursing program! We were at Carson and Emma's with them and Karson and Alyssa when I opened the email. I was thrilled! It was so exciting, but that was when fear really hit me too. Its been a dream of mine that always seemed so far away and out of reach. I've been talking about being a nurse since I was pretty young. It was something I was so drawn to and had always admired though I'd never really had much experience with nurses or anything. I just always felt like that was where I was meant to be. Well here I am 8 weeks into Dixie's Nursing Program, and I feel like I'm already hitting a wall. I knew getting into the medical field would be hard, and the work would be even harder. It is just hard. I guess you can tell I've been having a rather off week. It is so easy to look at my failures and mistakes and get caught up in them- I am the only one in my lab class that didn't get a single IV in correctly- I have been so bummed. I want so badly to excel and be successful but I am learning ....my grades are surprisingly good so far but I am just always anxious and nervous about failing. I cry and get frustrated so easily because my stress level is so much higher (like constantly higher) than its ever been. I'll probably laugh looking back at this when I become a mother ;) I just feel an intense amount of pressure to know everything and to be a perfectionist now more than ever. Knowing that I will be a huge part of peoples care, that a simple mistake could be fatal is horrifying and makes me question whether I'm really fit for this career.
I also was called to be the junior primary chorister- a calling that I thought to myself little while ago (right before I was called actually) I think that would be the hardest calling... and here I am. God is really pushing me to overcome myself right now. I've broken down three times in the last three days. Sometimes I just need that gentle reminder that God is there, that Christ suffered everything for me so that I don't have to be perfect, but that I can become better than I could ever imagine I could be. I know my Savior has helped me to get this far, it really has helped me to remember how far I've come. I have a testimony that I can and will find joy in this extremely difficult part of my journey. I am finding that these difficult times will refine me into the woman I've always dreamt of becoming.
{August 3rd, 2016} Here I am just three weeks away from my 2nd semester and now all those feelings of fear are creeping back. I have to remind myself to replace that fear with faith! With Christ by my side all things are possible. I want to record a few memories of my 1st semester that I know I will need to look back on when I am struggling again. Dr. Julie Chew is all time favorite teacher! She was a bit intimidating at 1st because of how knowledgable she truly is. She is the most dedicated and down to earth teacher I have ever met. I hope to be half the person/and nurse that she is. She became my clinical instructor half way through the semester, and DeAnne warned her I was kind of the "slow poke" of the group. It took me much longer to complete my paperwork, in fact I was always last no matter what. Anyway I knew DeAnne was sort-of joking, but I still felt horrible about myself. Well at the end of the semester during evaluations I talked one-on-one with Dr. Chew. She said I hope this doesn't come off as offensive, but you are in this program for different reasons than other people. You may not be the Einstein of the group but you are bringing something to nursing that is so special and so important. I remember her telling me how I had a gift for being compassionate and patient. She said the amount of love and kindness I have will help me be the best nurse I can. She said I shouldn't compare myself, but that I should realize that there isn't just a cookie-cutter idea for a nurse, but that each person will have their strengths and weaknesses. She was teary-eyed as she talked about how special I was. It was so kind of her. Her influence and words of advice and encouragement will carry me through many more hard times I am sure.
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